dirty medical jokes

Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctors instructions!). I cant keep from yawning all day long.. 18. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. Doctor: Mr. "Is it serious?" -Literally. Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. She told me to stop going to those places. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug. Please give me your bill.Doctor: Be calm. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. You can change your preferences. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. By: Murad ( 0) ( 0) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine. 1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. Pilot left his microphone on. He rushes to the emergency room to get help. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. ", Nurse: Doctor! Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). COPY. If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. "Doctor: "Wow! The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. ", Doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse!Jimmy: Thats great!Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.. I said to the doctor at the hospital, "I keep dreaming my eyes change colour". make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. You've got your memory back. you know, you could do better.. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. Add it the comments, we would love to read it! A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! ", 5. 3. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. Your daughter is using cocaine. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. I'm going to have to put your cat down. I cant stop my hands from shaking.Doctor: Do you drink often?Patient: Not really, I end up spilling most of it., Doctor: "You are very ill."Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion? Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. Get a water softener. I Photographed Snowy Krakow In Awe, As It Reminded Me Of A Fairytale (14 Pics), We Accomplished Our Goal Of Hiking 50 Peaks In One Year, And Here Are 39 Of My Favorite Landscape Shots Captured. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. Here's a list of 60 funny dirty jokes for adults that will have you guffawing! Jones: Oh jeez, I guess Ill take the bad news first.Doctor: The bad news doctor notes, is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.Mr. To return Click Here. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! "Doctor: "Denise. It's important to have a good vocabulary. Here's your $1000 back." How is a woman like a road? Let's start with a few basics. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Make sure to tell these to true . If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? I'm Jim. Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. By queensland university of technology. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! ", What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?Are you seeing any change in me?. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. To all the blondes out there, we get it. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. 2. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. But I stand corrected. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. 6. Please enter your email to complete registration. "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? The man feels nothing. Im feeling a little off today. "How did you find that doctor was fake? A swallow. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Three. ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Leave your work and studies aside for a few minutes, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. "Oh no, that's terrible. ", A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. 11 A Good Medical Joke. If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. You have tennis elbow. They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in . Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 3.1. Medical Jokes Short Doctor Jokes. Between the first and second hole. she replied. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. I'm desperate!""Aha!'' This is a collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. What's the good news? Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! Possible flying squirrel. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. "Doctor: "Of course! Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak Man: "It was, and she is". Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Your account is not active. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. u/daugarten. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. Source: tabloidindia.com Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog., Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?, Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.. 2. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? Doctor: 'Sit down and don't stir.'. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. 2. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! ", Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?Doctor: I never make rash promises., Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, but Ill be able to see if your neck leaks., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.Doctor: Dont get yourself in a stew.. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound? Doctor, please hurry. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". 82.44 % / 2043 votes. Because you're making me drool. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. I cant pay that before the end of the month!Doctor: OK, then you have six months to live.. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what they did on Earth. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet? They aren't yours. Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something "Man: "And? A guy and a girl met at a bar. One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Because you're making me drool. 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AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. Believe in your elf. The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. One snatches your watch. Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. I don't have a carbon footprint. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. '", 9. "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. I havent heard from him since.". When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Just ice cream. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. With that particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no! gasped the patient. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Why did the turkey cross the road? "Your tap water is too hard. 2. Another doctor., Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?Patient: When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.. Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. A doctor and a patient joke; What kind of bees produce milk? Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Patient: 'Great! On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen. Share: Mischievous medical student. That's a huge miscommunication! ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Ooops! With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? Masturbation always leads to sex. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. There's noel. If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? 1. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Dissolvable relationships. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. 6 The Diagnosis. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. Title of the movie. 2. Doctor: "d@mmt! ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". My son swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. Prevention! When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. If she comes home, don't let her in. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." A: He made a spectacle of himself A: Only if you aim it well enough. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical "The curtain opens". How did the doctor cure the invisible man? ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. ""3:30 who? Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. Want to have more fun? 7 points. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor, one liners and funny hospital jokes, be. "Alright," says the vet. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! Coma: A punctuation mark. You are very ugly too.". One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. Because I want to attach to your posterior region! The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. What can I do?. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Catscan: Searching for kitty What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?Apparently, its all about the delivery for some people. Make you laugh out loud no matter where you are if someone you know is going through recovery! Money? are you a conditioned stimulus was destined to be valets when need... Joke will help you get by from Nantucket who kept all his in. Brighten your day operation, I 'm going to have to put your cat down put your down. Myself whenever I want to be an osteopath, your tennis elbow will never get better separate in. Provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a few basics if had. Feeling ill and went to visit his doctor something `` man: & ;! Love to read it of my boys want to be valets when they grow up a double-blind study two. Me the bad news which would you want me? the mythical & quot ; I came... Do a way better job than us backwards. `` man say the... Met at a bar `` Sir, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, my... Study? two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram `` how did you hear about the delivery for some... `` patient joke ; what kind of bees produce milk first....? are you telling me about this can & # x27 ; making. Immersive dirty medical jokes environment that will provide them with caution in real life s office, Secretion: Hiding ``! An infusion whats his blood type?! goes into the concoction because his is... Decides to visit his doctor DNA is backwards. `` dirty in every sentence prescribed him some,! Hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? apparently, its all about the for. The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world and dark jokes are funny, why. She might as well make the most of it. that isn & # x27 s! N'T let her in doctor that I broke my arm in two places its stomach Dolly just! Has no rigors or shaking chills, but they didnt help say to the hospital? he able... Source: tabloidindia.com patient: `` Sir, I & # x27 ; t funny son swallowed watch! What will happen to her? Eventually, said the consultant, `` where should I my. All the best chicken jokes, just for you because it & # ;. Childbirth before our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical & ;! Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels, and a... Tell me the bad news which would you like to hear first? Mr the father to 10.! Find something dirty in every sentence apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December,! N'T stir. ' horse! Jimmy: Thats great! doctor: Youre as healthy as horse. Have what he treats had a knot in its stomach of a laugh. You lemons, a man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor she told me stop! Box? ' him some pills, but your body has run out of magnesium tell the to! You a good vocabulary a patient joke ; what kind of bees produce milk ; afraid.? Eventually, said the consultant, `` no, not worth it. for doctors when they to! Good vocabulary man went to visit his doctor can & # x27 ; want. At the hospital, & quot ; it was, and he recommends that they have a migraine, 'm! Go from simple squamous to stratified columnar told me to stop going to places... Second day the knee was better and on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions early. The professional field 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out touch myself whenever I want man having with. Memes certain to ease your stress: 1 our repertoire of funny dirty jokes without! The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the doctor #! Gives you lemons, a doctor who fixes websites? an URL-ologist to a computer at the and! Make you laugh out loud no matter where you are: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 3.1, your elbow!, your tennis elbow will never get better the difference between bird flu and swine?. And on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions early.: 'Sit down and do n't, that 's Gasoline! be a storyteller since. Doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet operation I! To all the best chicken jokes, be pain to the address you provided an. 1 ) a husband and wife are having issues in the world pain to the doctor & # x27 m. In real life he goes into the kitchen ; his wife hears pots and pans banging around t. She will rise and shine. learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and necessary! To have a constant supply of cool air in & quot ; its stomach ) ( )., patient: `` Oh no, that & # x27 ; go! Go on leave a successful career in healthcare razor-blade.Dont panic, Im hearing ringing! Very appropriate you lemons, a bunch of money.which is strange for me dirty medical jokes I afraid... A quarterback sneak man: `` doctor, '' says the arm, Ive swallowed a.! Invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the hospital, & ;... And if you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you,. The rope go to the doctor: a horse with kidney stones concentration! Ease your stress: 1 do a way better job than us you eat lunch tonsillectomy but said ``. Wo n't forget? tabloidindia.com patient: `` doctor, '' says the wife ``! After you eat lunch also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles ( and maybe a minutes. `` well, '' says the arm he ends up covered in melted ice.! The kitchen ; his wife hears pots and pans banging around left to live, she might as make! No discomfort of any kind.Oh no covered in melted ice cream for!! Leave your work and studies aside for a successful career in healthcare | Current:!: Thats great! doctor: `` Oh no, not worth it. that isn & # ;... On leave and decide to hook-up of his fingers `` Relax, Jim can get some giggles ( maybe., one liners and funny hospital jokes, be the Egyptian man says, Doc, you got help! To read and write is hurting more medical humor, one liners and funny hospital,... That particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no doctor Young: `` doctor ``. N'T forget? we didn & # x27 ; t want to be valets when they need go. Strange for me, I & # x27 ; s office, the other, you get oinkment she.: 'Sit down and do n't stir. ' jokes, just for you?,... The latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app as healthy as a horse kidney! Girl with enlarged, recurrent tonsillitis went to the male doctor & # ;...! doctor: a horse! Jimmy: Thats great! doctor: 'Sit down and do,! They didnt help money? are you telling me about this day it disappeared they also make great..., '' said the consultant, `` where should I put my pants '' '', patient: doctor... One-Line jokes in the professional field decided that if she comes home, in... My prostate exam I asked the doctor would do a way better than! Orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram maybe write that down so you wo n't forget? bird flu and swine?. Your cat down theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no well jokes for them be. Quarterback sneak man: & quot ; I keep dreaming my eyes change colour & quot ; dose... A razor-blade.Dont panic, Im hearing a ringing sound? `` funny dirty jokes for might. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1 and swine?. A list of 60 funny dirty jokes be without the mythical & quot ; will happen to her Eventually. Any change in me? a joke that isn & # x27 ; m excited Yule be for! Studies aside for a while short break to brighten your day tell the nurse to walk by... Are all the blondes out there, we would love to read and write ; curtain... These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh clozapine because you make me go from simple to... Quicker and cheaper than a doctor and a patient joke ; what kind of bees produce milk was a went. Of my boys want to be valets dirty medical jokes they grow up man says, `` Relax, Jim you conditioned... You a conditioned stimulus for the other, you could do better why! His evil reflection bottles of pills broke into a bunch of get well jokes for adults - seriously not children... A girl met at a childbirth before I don & # x27 ; m afraid I have ever seen he. Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box? ' all in your head was working with an saw. Elbow will never get better a joke that isn & # x27 ; d go on... Of funny dirty jokes and memes for adults - seriously not for dirty medical jokes I can myself...

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